Okay, it's possible this is a bit too insider-y for general audiences, but trust me, it's hilarious
Prospectus for Silicon Valley’s Next Hot Tech IPO, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong.
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Form S-1 Registration Statement Under The Securities Act of 1933Ed. note: Of special relevance to plaintiffs' attorneys -
LETTER FROM THE FOUNDERS
Forget Facebook. Forget Groupon. Forget everything you know about Silicon Valley. Because Ponzify isn’t like other tech companies. We don’t promise results. We show them to you, on a piece of paper, that has your name and a monetary figure that increases every month.
Our business model is simple: Attract users, advertisers, positive press and a corporate buyer; then, pull the chord on that golden parachute and have cable news book you as an expert on startups from time to time. There may be a book deal in there, too. We haven’t decided.
Users love our product because it’s something free. Venture Capitalists love it because they can imagine themselves talking about it at T.E.D. or on Charlie Rose. Trust us: Once you invest in Ponzify, you’ll have a difficult time investing your money anywhere else ever again.
Ponzify, Inc., is offering 15,000,000 shares of its Class A stock. Several times, in fact. Ask enough questions, we’ll let you in on the super secret Class B voting shares. Threaten to go to the SEC, and we’ll meet you near the airport. Just to talk.
We anticipate the initial public offering price of our Class A common stock will be between $35 and $42 per share. Mind you, the bank we hired to underwrite this transaction is privately telling its other clients something entirely different. Something about a guaranteed swing in the stock price and a big pay day for insiders. Sounds sweet. Wish we could get in on that
We expect to list our Class A common stock under the symbol PNZI.
An investment in Ponzify involves significant risks.
A significant portion of our income is derived from advertisers who still buy this whole “clicks” and “page count” business. Thus, we plan a vigorous defense of our current metrics while making up new ones with impressive-sounding names. For instance, KonBuy (short for “Konfirmation Bias”) scores the popularity of apps and websites based on whether their titles are intentionally misspelled portmanteaus.
Our CEO, CFO, COO and a bunch of other acronyms were all born after Nirvana released “Nevermind”.
Did you watch that two-part Frontline special on PBS about the inside story of the global financial crisis? We did. We were like “Dude, that’s like what we’re doing!”
SPECIAL NOTE REGARDING FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTSBut there's more, so follow the link.
This prospectus contains forward-looking statements. For instance, “Our company is built upon a viable revenue model” is a forward-looking statement. All statements other than statements of historical fact, particularly those made by our founders to the press, shareholders or women in bars, will be considered forward-looking statements.
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